Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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