Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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