a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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