none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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