you guys were way drunker than both of me
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
