Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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