she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
