Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
