Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
