Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You ruined the universe
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
