took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I have feelings that need drinking.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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