Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
