What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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