sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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