He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
