Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
