Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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