I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Just fell off a train. Bad.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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