I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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