I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize