So drunk its hurt
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
