I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
