Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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