There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize