my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
