I can't breathe out the right side of my face
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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