you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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