She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
