Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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