Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
