can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Be still, my beating vagina.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
