the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
