Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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