Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
you didnt know i had herpes?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
