why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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