i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize