Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
