I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
