the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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