I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
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