Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
