I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
