I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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