someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize