Who wears a wallet chain?!
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
