It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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