If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize