seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
