So drunk, too bad you don't want this
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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