She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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