I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize