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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
