this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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