Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Pants are for mortals
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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