You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize