I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
