I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
