you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
