finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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