From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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