he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
