so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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