I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
